


What did you wish

by Relurker



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 00:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10525197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Relurker/pseuds/Relurker
Summary: An April Fools story in response to Sunalso's challenge at Elysian Fields. It's based in Season Seven, right after the chip removal, and goes wishfully off canon.





	

**What did you wish for?**

 

Buffy was sitting at her vanity mirror, putting on a pair of hoop earrings, when Giles appeared at the door of her room. "You know this is very dangerous."

Buffy spared him a sideways glance "Ah, you just heard the horror stories. Wear hoops, they'll catch on something, rip your lobe off. Lobes flying everywhere."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"You mean Spike. Not having a chip. Free range Spike?"

Giles looked annoyed with her glibness. "I have to ask—why on Earth did you make that decision?

Buffy was beginning to be not a little miffed.  "Guess it was instinct, that thing you always told me I should cultivate"

Giles frowned. "You can't trust it. You are losing perspective, and do I have to remind you he's gone back to being a vicious killer just recently? You are letting him get too close."

Now she was uncomfortable. "We haven't…Things have been different since he came back."

Giles was unrelenting: "It doesn't matter if you're not physical with each other anymore. There's a connection. You rely on him, he relies on you. That's what's affecting your judgment."

"You think I'm losing sight of the big picture, but I'm not. He’s an important ally. Crucial, even. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can't beat evil by doing evil. I _know_ that."

She walked past him out of the room and down the stairs, hoping he wouldn’t want to continue the damn argument, but he followed her to the living room, where all the potentials that weren't in the kitchen squabbling over her food were sitting around on her chairs watching her TV. The bone of contention was leaning against the wall near the kitchen, probably trying to slink back to the basement without being spotted.  Giles was not finished.  "Well, I hope you're not mistaken trusting your so-called instinct, but many lives are at risk here, and I sincerely wish you would address the elephant in the room instead of pretending it doesn't exist!"

By now definitely angry, Buffy turned around with flashing eyes, prepared to give him a piece of her mind, when a tremor shook the house, and a loud, irritated trumpeting had the girls in the living room squealing and trying to run out of it while the ones in the kitchen were all bent on getting in to see what was happening. She turned again, froze, blinked, and stared.

The whitish elephant was barely fitting under the living-room ceiling, between the back wall and a smashed chair; it had very long tusks, its trunk raised menacingly and its ears flapping in anger…and it wouldn’t stop making the deafening noise.

Buffy fixed Giles with a withering look: “You _wished_? In _my_ house? Have you not learned anything? Get everybody out, I’ll take care of it.”

***********

An hour later, most of the girls and Giles had been banished to the backyard. Buffy, with some help from Amanda and Dawn, had made a kind of paddock using the sofa and the bed frame from the basement. The elephant-- _Spike,_ was calmer, as long as neither Giles nor Kennedy were in sight, and was rocking forlornly, glancing toward the window and touching things-but mostly Buffy- with his trunk. She was perched on the sofa’s back within easy reach, to avoid other incidents like when she’d  tried to go take a phone call in the kitchen. At least it hadn’t been her favorite table lamp. They’d given him the only apple left by the potential locusts in the kitchen, and Buffy suspected it wasn’t enough to keep him happy: already he was sniffing and pulling at her hair. She just couldn’t bear to look at him.

Willow had taken Giles’ car to go fetch Anya, and they arrived shortly. Anya was indignant: “What, now? Every time some dumbass makes a wish you’re going to blame it on me? This is not only unfair, it’s rude!” She saw the elephant and stopped, speechless. The elephant snorted noisily and shuffled its big feet.

Buffy smiled ingratiatingly: “Anya, please, nobody said you did it—‘cause you didn’t, right?—but we really need your advice here. See, this is Spike, and Giles wished him so, then he tried un-wishing him, but no deal. Willow says it’s not a spell so there’s no de-spelling, and you’re our expert in wishes, so we called you in for your expert advice: there must be something we can do!” At this point, she was at the end of her tether, and even if she didn’t look at him, she couldn’t pretend the dreadful thing hadn’t happened.

 “Giles wished Spike was an elephant? That’s unusual and inventive! I didn’t think he had it in him! Only, I would have thought he would have known to wait ‘till Spike was outside; it’s already very crowded in here. Is he a vampire elephant?”

“A _vampire_ ele…? God, I hope not! He hasn’t tried charging any more, after I told Giles not to come inside, and he seemed to like the apple, and the carrots—and the sooner we figure out how to turn him back, the better. Anya, please, _please_ , any suggestion that could be, you know, useful?”

Anya sniffled, a bit put out by Buffy’s attitude. “All right, so, how was the wish articulated?”

“Articulated?” repeated Buffy dumbly.

“Yes, articulated, expressed, with what words exactly—did Giles really say ‘I wish he was an elephant’, or what? Because short of coercing the wish granter—and there are hundreds of us, with all kinds of specialization, good luck finding the right one and convincing her, or him, to cooperate—Giles could possibly undo it if he used the exact words and the same conviction with which he expressed his original wish.”

“Oh, that! Okay, no, that’s not exactly what he said. He said ‘I wish’, for sure, and that it was like the elephant in the room—no, he was talking to me and he said ‘I wish you would address the elephant in the room’, and BANG! Spike was an elephant.”

“So, there’s your answer: have Giles un-wish the wish correctly, and convincingly.”

*************

It was close to eleven, and nothing had worked. The girls wanted to come inside, but Buffy was irremovable: the huge animal was already very nervous with Giles’ proximity and another chair had paid the price. Maybe Giles was not convinced enough, although Buffy’s glares were scary enough to convince a Fyarl to fly, but no matter how many times he re-phrased the wish, Spike-the-elephant wouldn’t change back, and was also getting dangerously restless, swinging its trunk violently and stomping its feet in the limited space. In the end, Buffy was left alone in the living room with it. With a lump in her throat, she raised her eyes finally looking straight at him and sighed, “What am I going do with you? What am I going to do _without_ _you_?!”

Just like that, with a shake and a pop, Spike was standing in the mess of the living room, bewildered and gasping for breath.

“Spike!” Buffy jumped over the sofa and hugged him.

“What the bloody hell happened here?’ said Spike, hugging her back ‘I was here, but it’s like I wasn’t. What was that? And… _carrots_?”

*************

One by one, the potentials were re-entering the house and racing each other to the bathroom. Willow came back inside with Giles and started picking up pieces of furniture and straightening up the place. On the surviving sofa, Buffy was explaining the happenings and not leaving Spike’s arms. Giles had tried to speak, but made a hasty retreat at Buffy’s dirty look. Willow tried instead of him: “How did it happen? Was one of the un-wishes good enough?”

“No, ‘said Buffy, ‘it was still the original wish at work. I figured it out right after I undid it. The wish was actually that I should address the elephant in the room, okay? I did. I addressed him, talked directly to him, and that was it: no more elephant. Addressing is good, clears the waters. You know what else I addressed? My feelings. My feelings towards Spike.”

With that, she and Spike looked at each other. He raised an eyebrow, she crooked him a smile, then they sped up the stairs to her room holding hands.

Giles and Willow watched them go. Giles opened his mouth, closed it, sighed in defeat, and went to get the broom.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Precious once over and golden hints from Sunalso, who issued this fun challenge.  
> The usual disclaimer:  
> All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.


End file.
